Start with Self-Reflection: Ask Yourself the Right Questions
The first step in understanding your needs is getting curious about what they actually are. If you’re anything like me you may have lost your needs at some point in life and feel like codependency has taken over. But here’s the catch: figuring out what we need isn’t always straightforward, and that’s for a “normal” person, add a codependent to that and well it can take us a few times, or years to figure it out. It might mean digging past what you think you should want or what others expect of you. Start by setting aside some quiet time to ask yourself simple but powerful questions, like, “What makes me feel truly alive?” or “What activities bring me peace and joy?” If you’re finding these questions hard to answer, you’re not alone! Sometimes, we’re so used to putting others first that our needs feel like a mystery. But don’t worry—just keep going, even if it feels strange at first. This has been a long process for me, especially as a ISFJ, I’m a chronic people pleaser and then lets add my dad as a workaholic and a disabled mom growing up- I’m a text book codependent just by being born into the family I was given.
Tip: Try journaling your answers or even voice recording them if that feels easier. The key here is honesty. No one else needs to see or hear these reflections, so let yourself be completely open. You’ll probably be surprised by some of the things that come up, and that’s a good thing. It means you’re getting somewhere real.
Rediscover Your Passions: Reconnect with What Lights You Up
A big part of understanding your needs lies in figuring out what you’re passionate about. This isn’t about finding the “right” hobby or career path; it’s about noticing the things that spark joy and excitement within you. Start by listing activities or moments that have made you feel deeply happy in the past apart from moments or memory of you codependent. Maybe it was a creative project, a social cause you cared about, or even a simple activity like gardening or cooking. These moments are like breadcrumbs leading you back to your true desires. I like to garden and it’s a great outlet to destress and be creative.
Tip: If you’re unsure where to start, try something you haven’t done in a while—paint a picture, take a dance class, or even read a book for fun. Experimenting with different activities can remind you of what you love and help you find passions you may have forgotten. Passion is contagious, and once you rediscover yours, it’ll be hard to miss!
Identify Your Core Values: What Truly Matters to You?
Values are the foundation of our needs. A lot of the time codependency will drown out our values. They’re the beliefs or principles that mean the most to us and shape our choices. Think about what really matters to you—not what society tells you to care about, but what feels true in your gut. Maybe it’s honesty, family, freedom, creativity, or spirituality. Everyone’s values are unique, and understanding yours will make your decisions clearer and more aligned with who you are and walk you more away from codependency.
To identify your values, try writing down your top 3 to 5 values and think about what each one means to you personally. Ask yourself why each one is important, and even consider if there’s a memory that explains why a particular value stands out. These values don’t have to stay the same forever, but they can serve as a guide for what you prioritize right now.
Tip: Whenever you’re faced with a tough decision, revisit your values and ask, “Does this align with what matters to me?” This can be a powerful way to make choices that respect your needs and keep you on the right path.
Listen to Your Body: Tune In to Physical and Emotional Signals
Your body and emotions are great communicators—they just don’t always use words. For example, if you feel tense and exhausted after saying “yes” to a favor you didn’t want to do, that’s a signal! Or being undecided to not rock the boat or make anyone else unhappy, that’s a signal! Your body and mind know what feels good for you and what doesn’t. Sometimes, it’s about noticing how you feel in different situations. Do you feel drained or energized around certain people? Do certain activities make you feel anxious or calm? Listening to these signals can offer big clues about what your needs are and where you may need to set boundaries.
Tip: Try doing a “body scan” meditation to notice any tension, ease, or sensations in different areas of your body. As you become more aware of how your body reacts to certain situations or choices, you’ll learn to recognize what feels right for you. For me I notice I shrug my shoulders to my ears or I struggle with breathing.
Create Space for Your Needs: Make Room for Small Joys
Once you’re in touch with your needs, it’s time to make room for them. This doesn’t mean overhauling your life overnight; it’s about finding little ways to meet your needs daily. Small steps will make a huge difference as you go and codependency will be a thing of the past. If creativity is important to you, carve out a few minutes to doodle, paint, or write each day. If calmness is something you crave, spend a few minutes in silence each morning. These small actions may seem simple, but they can be transformative when practiced consistently. The more you honor your needs in small ways, the easier it becomes to prioritize them in bigger life decisions.
Tip: Think of these as “non-negotiable moments.” Even if it’s just five minutes, make that time sacred for yourself. The more you make space for your needs, the more natural it becomes to prioritize them.
Identify Your Boundaries: Know What Works for You
One of the first steps to breaking free from codependency is setting boundaries and identifying what feels right for you. Boundaries are highly personal—what feels comfortable to one person may not feel the same for another. Think about the areas in your life where you feel drained or uncomfortable. Is it a toxic unfulfilled covert abuse marriage. Or maybe with friends or family who always seem to need something? It helps to jot down a few situations where you feel overextended. This simple step of recognizing what bothers you is powerful; it’s like a lightbulb moment where you can see what needs to change.
Tip: Try categorizing your boundaries into physical, emotional, and time-related. This can help you recognize if certain areas in your life need more attention. By knowing what triggers your discomfort, it’s easier to pinpoint and establish boundaries that fit your needs. If your struggling try this book, I’ve used it and highly recommend it.
Communicate Clearly and Kindly: No Need for Long Explanations
Communicating boundaries can feel awkward, especially if you’re not used to it. But remember, setting a boundary doesn’t mean you owe anyone a long explanation or any explanation. Start with a simple, clear statement of your needs. For example, if a friend constantly calls late at night and disrupts your evening, try saying, “I’m trying to wind down earlier, so let’s catch up before 8 p.m. from now on.” It’s polite, direct, and lets them know exactly what you need without leaving room for negotiation. Boundaries aren’t about being mean or overly strict; they’re about letting others know how to respect your space and time.
Tip: Practice these responses ahead of time, especially if you feel nervous about setting limits. Keep it short and sweet, and try not to over-explain—your needs are valid, and a simple statement is enough.
Hold Your Ground: Boundaries Are Meant to Protect You
Once you’ve set your boundary, it’s important to stick to it. This is usually the hardest part! If you’ve told a verbally abusive husband you can’t take anymore criticism, and they keep doing it, remind yourself that it’s OK to leave until you feel heard, its also OK not to put yourself around it again. You’re not being selfish; you’re protecting your mental and emotional health. Holding your ground might feel uncomfortable at first, but remember, boundaries are there for a reason. It’s totally okay to repeat your stance or remind people of your limits if they’re pushing back.
Tip: Don’t let guilt get the best of you or codependency to control you, be strong. Sometimes people might feel disappointed, but that’s not your responsibility. They’ll adjust, and the people who truly respect you will understand and not repeat the behavior.
Use Positive Reinforcement: Celebrate Small Wins
Sometimes setting boundaries feels like a major challenge, so celebrate each time you follow through. Did you say “no” to birthday plans because it was too emotionally draining? Give yourself a pat on the back! Acknowledging these small victories can make you feel more confident in setting boundaries in the future. This isn’t about being perfect; it’s about progress. Each time you respect your needs, you’re building a stronger foundation for yourself.
Tip: Create a list of boundary wins to look back on. On tough days, it’s nice to remind yourself of all the times you’ve honored your needs. I look at my Facebook memories as reminders or my phone calendar.
Prioritize Self-Care: Boundaries Go Hand in Hand with Well-Being
Remember that boundaries are self-care. They’re not a luxury or a bonus; they’re necessary for your well-being. When you set limits, you’re giving yourself the space to recharge, reset, and enjoy life without feeling overwhelmed. Make self-care part of your routine—whether it’s quiet time in the morning, a workout you enjoy, or a relaxing hobby. By nurturing yourself, you’re more able to stand firm on your boundaries and stay true to what matters to you most.
Embrace Mistakes as Part of Growth: No One Gets It Right Every Time
Fear of making mistakes can hold you back from becoming truly self-reliant and keep you codependent. But let’s be real—no one gets it right all the time, I’m a live and learn type and not always the first time! Mistakes are where the real growth happens. When you make a mistake, you’re faced with a choice: learn from it or let it knock your confidence. Learning from mistakes is empowering and proves that you can handle setbacks with grace, might be messy grace but its grace none the less.
Tip: If you mess up, don’t beat yourself up! Instead, think of it as a lesson learned and move forward with more experience. Each misstep is simply another chance to build resilience and learn how to do better next time.
Set Small, Achievable Goals: Build Confidence One Step at a Time
Sometimes, big goals can feel intimidating and paralyze us into inaction. Instead, break them down into smaller, manageable steps. For example, if you want to get fit, start by committing to a 10-minute workout three times a week. Or you can try my beginner Booty workout I created here. Small goals help you build momentum, giving you the confidence to tackle larger goals. Plus, there’s nothing more satisfying than checking off those little wins! You can think of it like two barrels, one you can put huge rocks and fill it fast, the other you could fill with small pebbles, either way your filling it up so don’t beat yourself up over it.
Tip: Make a vision board and put it where you can see it everyday. Read 10 pages of a good book daily.
Build a Supportive Routine: Structure Creates Confidence
A solid routine can be a great anchor for when you’re building self-reliance, leaving codependency, or a toxic relationship. A daily rhythm, like a morning or evening routine, can bring a sense of control to your life. Routines create little pockets of stability that boost confidence and independence. You’re reminding yourself that you’re capable of managing your own life, one day at a time. You can’t managed others, we weren’t given dominion over others just ourselves. When you live in chaos sometimes your routine is the best thing to gain self control.
Tip: Start with something small, like reading your Bible, listen to good personal growth people or a solid night time routine. As you build these habits, you’ll find yourself feeling more capable, grounded and more in control of your own life.
Morning Rituals: Starting the Day with Intention
Mornings set the tone for your day, so why not make them enjoyable, right? As a mom of 3 girls, that homeschools, my mornings are my best hours for self care. Even if I’m only able to carve out 10 minutes each morning just for myself. Grab some paper and write down what your intentions are for the day, no matter the chaos, set the tone in your mind. You could even do a Joe Dispenza meditation, he has some great options for setting intentions. For anyone overcoming codependency, these quiet moments help you reconnect with yourself without focusing on anyone else’s needs first. Starting your day with this intentional self-care shows you that you matter too.
Tip: Try creating a simple affirmation like “Today, I honor my needs.” Say it to yourself each morning as a reminder that you deserve care, just like everyone else. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes to put yourself first in small, meaningful ways
Boundary-Setting as Self-Care: Protecting Your Space
Boundaries are essential in self-care, especially if codependency has been a pattern. It’s not always easy, like I said at the start of this, but setting boundaries is about respecting your own needs as much as others’ because you are worth it. It might be hard but you matter more, pick your hard to choose. Risk weighs oz but regret weighs tons! Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about creating a space for you to recharge, remember it’s about helping you and getting you to healthy. You work on you and you will help others that way.
Tip: When someone asks for your time, check in with yourself first. Ask, “Do I really want to, or am I doing it out of habit?” If it’s the latter, give yourself permission to say no. Healthy boundaries honor your needs, and each “no” is a yes to yourself.
Nourishing Activities: Do What Fills Your Cup
Think of activities that make you feel whole. Maybe it’s reading, painting, hiking, or gardening—whatever it is, let it be something that makes you happy. People who struggle with codependency sometimes prioritize others’ interests over their own. But choosing activities just for you helps you remember what brings you joy, independent of anyone else. You’re not responsible for everyone’s happiness—just your own.
Tip: Schedule a “me day” once a month. Fill it with activities that you love, no questions asked. Even a few hours spent doing what you love can remind you that self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary. And as you practice this, it becomes easier to integrate self-focused activities into your daily life.